I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
