does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I cockslap morals
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
