Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
