My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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