nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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