i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
