a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
