Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
