Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
