The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
