Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
