Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just invented taco cereal.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
