What did we do last night that was yellow?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
