I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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