I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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