like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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