im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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