I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
