I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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