Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
