You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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