This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize