my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
