I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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