i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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