Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
