I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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