dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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