ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Pooping to opera.
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