i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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