im about as happy as oj after his trial
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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