I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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