Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
