why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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