I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
