Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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