please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
