oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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