btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
