you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
