I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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