I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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