thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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