bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Everything about him screamed your future.
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I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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