My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
