So drunk its hurt
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
