it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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