its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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