My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
