She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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