Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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