shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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