Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
MIDGETS
????
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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