just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
