It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
