matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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