I looked at my own cervix.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
