I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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